Dan Gets a Minivan by Dan Zevin

Author:Dan Zevin
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Scribner Ebooks

Hello there, Aloof Hipster Dad at the playground. I was hoping you might get off your smart phone for five minutes because, me and you, we need to have a man-to-man. I would also appreciate it if you could remove your ironically oversized Hugh Hefner sunglasses so we can maintain eye contact. Yes, also the big padded DJ headphones with the skull picture on them. I need you to go ahead and take those off for me. And the Bluetooth device. Thanks. Woops—do you mind not tweeting while we talk? I have a feeling I may be needing your undivided attention.

There is a question I would like to ask you, Aloof Hipster Dad at the playground. See that little three-year-old strapped into the black Bugaboo-brand stroller under the monkey bars, way over there on the other side of the playground? The little guy in the Sex Pistols T-shirt and the Velcro-strap Converse All Stars? Yeah, exactly—the one with the nose ring. Is that your kid? Pardon? For a second there, it sounded like you said, “I think so.” Anyway, that kid has been crying his head off for fifteen minutes now, so I thought maybe you might want to go over and see if he’s okay. Yes, I am sure it’s not my kid who’s crying. My kid is this individual standing next to us. She’s actually the one who suggested we find you. She’s four. How old are you? Thirty -four? Wow, I didn’t realize they even made wallets with chains on them for thirty-four-year-olds! Come on, let’s all go over there together. You ride your skateboard and I’ll run interference if the nannies yell at you.

Look, we’re here already! Did you notice how your kid stopped crying as soon as he saw you? That is because you are his father, and he was happy you came back! Don’t mention it. Glad to lend a helping hand. And, by the way, there’s just one more thing I wanted to tell you. Don’t take this the wrong way, but, dude, you’re making us look bad.

Yeah, us. Do you want to confirm what all these playground mommies and nannies have been suspecting about us all along? That we’re morons? We’ve gotta show ’em we know what we’re doing! We’ve gotta organize! We’ve gotta stop acting like a bunch of wusses and start acting like a team! Hey, are you a Giants fan? No? Then why are you wearing that Giants T-shirt? Oh, They Might Be Giants. Well, can we pretend it’s a football jersey for a minute? Great, so pretend you’re the player and I’m the coach. I’m going to draw you a diagram for your playbook. You got any sidewalk chalk? Of course you don’t. Where would you put it? You don’t even have cargo pants. But you know what? I’m gonna help you out with that, too. I’m gonna take you shopping for some cargo pants. I’ve got twenty-seven pairs of these things. Look

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